Wedding Planners

Last night I noted that the movie, "The Wedding Planner" was showing on television. Does anyone use wedding planners any more?

Who are these people anyway?

Candles

I've seen some really funny weddings because of candles. I've seen candles that wouldn't light, candles that nearly explode with flame, candles that burn for a few seconds and then fizzle. I've seen brides break down and cry over candles, flush with anger when candles wouldn't light, and toss candles away in disgust.

And yes, I've seen sleeves catch on fire and, on one terrible occassion, a groomsman's hair went up in a poofball of orange flame.

Cost of wedding? $10,000.
Memories of seeing a groomsman catch on fire? Priceless!

Readings

I officiated at a wedding on Saturday. One of the readings selected by the bride was from Ecclesiastes: "A threefold cord is not easily broken."

I liked it.

Any other favorite Bible passages, readings, or poems for weddings?

Wedding Times

Over the years, I've heard so many brides, mothers, and grooms talk about wedding times, I get confused about the traditions.

Some say you should always begin a wedding at the top of the hour, so that life will be easier, as the hand is scrolling down on the clock.

Others say you should get married at half past the hour, so that the hands are moving up, signifying that life will be on the upswing as the years go by.

So my question: Who's correct?

Invitations

A rule of thumb that many brides and grooms may want to memorize. When planning the number of invitations you will be sending out to guests...you should expect about a 50% response rate. Considering that most people have busy schedules, the cost of travel, etc...many invitees won't attend. Couples that get sixty percent or more of their invited guests are doing very well.

Proposals

I continue to hear stories about unique ways to propose marriage. Anyone have an idea that's worked well for them?

White Aisle

A little known historical tidbit...did you know that the white aisle runner that is traditionally used in weddings has no symbolic significance? Aisle runners were used in churches years ago to shield a bride's dress from dirt floors. Over time, the utilitarian use of the carpet was lost and was replaced with a white runner.

In the past decade, however, the white aisle runner has begun to go out of vogue. About one half of brides no longer us them. Some even ask: "What's that white runner used for?"

The answer: "To keep your dress from getting dirty against the dirt floor" doesn't seem like a good response.

Marriage Prep #3

They say that time is the most valuable commodity we possess. The same is true in marriage. Couples will find that they will argue about time (or some nuance of it) quite often. How you spend a weekend, an evening, or deciding who's going to pick up the groceries . . . all of these have implications in time.

I have always encouraged couples to do an inventory of their expectations before getting married. This inventory should include expectations about housework (who's sweeping, who's doing dishes, who's taking out the trash, etc.), as well as being able to save time for individual pursuits. It's important to support each other in the pursuits, but also stay out of the way and allow time for individual space and hobbies.

Couples will find that, if they talk about their time before they get married, they'll have a much deeper appreciation for the time they spend together AND the time they are apart.

Marriage Prep #2

Mama told me husbands and wives would argue about sex. But it's not usually arguing...but cold silence. Getting a man and woman to sink up in their sexuality and need is a dicey proposition. Couples that are successful sexually have learned how to communicate well and also still enjoy each other over the passing of years.

Stastically--I've learned that something like half of all married couples are frustrated sexually. Frequency and willingness are two key factors in a fulfilling sex life, but it's so much more. Emotional connection, friendship, romance, and communication also play key roles as the years roll by.

Likewise, couples shouldn't give up when sex doesn't sink up easily. Managing small children can often drain couples (especially women) in the early years of marriage. But this phase passes quickly, and couples can learn how to find their pace and romance again. Having a date night regularly is a helpful, as is bits of romance here and there and quiet talks alone at night. Take the TV out of the bedroom! Oprah's right! The bedroom is for other activity if a marriage is going to stay strong.

Marriage Prep #1

There are three areas of marital life that, statistically, prove to be the most common areas of stress in a relationship. The first is money, or finances. In fact, financial stress is now the number one reason for divorce.

Before you get married, sit down together and work out a budget. Agree on a philosophy of saving, spending, and investing. Know what the other is thinking--not just verbally, but also in action. Relationships built on secret spending or clandestine vices like gambling or expensive hobbies will experience trouble. Are you together in your financial plans?

Also, be open about your debt. Many couples are now entering marriage with $30,000, $40,000, or even $100,000 worth of credit card or student loan debt. Don't sink your marriage via debt overload.

If you need, help...read. Go online and find a financial planning guide. Talk to experts. Get advice. Set a realistic budget and stick to it. If you do this, you'll be thanking each other for years to come.

Mom-zillas

In my wedding experiences, it is often the mother of the bride or the mother of the groom who can create the most consternation at a wedding. Perhaps we should have a new word "Mom-zillas" to describe this phenomenon.

How about the mother who came running into my office two minutes before her daughter was about to walk down the aisle screaming, "The aisle runner is crooked! It's two inches off center!"?
Or the groom's mother who tried to take control of the rehearsal by secretly rearranging the seating arrangements on the bride's side of the sanctuary?
Or the bride's mom who came thirty minutes late to the wedding (on purpose) so she would get more attention than her daughter?

Bridezillas

One of the more recent words associated with weddings is the "Bridezilla"--evidently a bride who is over the top demanding, mean, nasty, or subject to whims of flights and fancy that no one can work with her. Thankfully, I've experience few.

I wonder, however, if the phenomenon of the Bridezilla might be more directly associated with our societial ideas about weddings (bigger, brighter, more expensive). When competition, show, or culteral expectations enter into the picture, most people will snap under the pressure.

Brides who learn how to take control of their weddings (demanding of themselves and others a debt-free outcome, simplicity, and control) rarely turn into Bridezillas. They already know who they are and what they want out of their marriage...nothing flashy or extravagant, just a great beginning to a lifetime of love.

Conversation or Movie?

A few years ago I recall a couple telling me that the biggest mistake they had made in their dating relationship was going to movies together. I wondered why. "Because," the said, "when you're watching a movie, you aren't talking to each other."

There's something to be said for learning good communications skills during the engagement period. Learning how to discuss ideas, learning how to be open and honest, and also learning how to argue fairly are all imporant skills. Dating in noisy places, in venues that don't foster active and constructive communication is often a detriment to a relationship rather than a help.

My wife and I still go to dinner together and find these times meaningful and significant. It's just talk. But we still learn much about each other.